True or False.. All's Fair in Love & War?
That darn blue dress. She hangs low these days and even though we've not worn her for many moons she still remembers so many things; what it was like to twirl, kiss and be kissed, take a chance, to feel loved and adored, to feel betrayed and broken, I think the last time I wore… Continue reading The Blue Dress
I used to bathe in being blissfully unaware. I met you and it was like 8 years of squinting at the light but also sitting in the dark, so untrue of so many truths I used to cling to. Becks in bed looks so different now, she seemingly does not exist, still celibate and I… Continue reading Becks In Bed
I found this old book of my writing, it seems to be notes for a book. True to my young and idealistic form there are butterflies doodled all over this document...I had a thing for butterflies and poetry. 8/28/2001 "yes I love you" is another doodle of sorts, I don't think I knew what love… Continue reading Butterflies & Wallingford
My father is an 80-year-old Oklahoma-born, Vietnam vet, a retired police officer, and very much a man of his generation. So of course he wanted to be a John Wayne type. If you are not familiar with JW let me give you a few examples - from the movie Hondo (this is totally how he… Continue reading He’s Ain’t No John Wayne
Not that Alice, but if you could ask Alice anything what would you ask? This Alice though, she's the one I can't get over: "I happen to love rabbits, especially white ones" - Alice Kingsley When I reflect on my mild obsession with the Alice movies I can remember being very young, sick with something… Continue reading Go Ask Alice
Goodbyes, farewells, run baby run, abandoning and sometimes leaving behind a beautiful wreckage, ships after a storm, my disorganized storm. I've abandoned ideas, pursuits, people, and things - so many things but mostly ideas. Ideas about what it looks like to be, anything. My reality is still me playing alone in my room as a… Continue reading Hello Goodbye Girl
It feels amazing to keep them, that sounds so awful but I have broken so many out of fear. Elementary promises like just showing up. This has been my main hurdle this year and I have done well but lately, I have shown up for so many people and things that I find myself driving… Continue reading Promises, Promises
In yet another installment of crazy dreams and demonic behavior, I give you the latest in screwed-up nightmares. The eye of the storm is, not actually the most tumultuous part of a storm, the eye is a region of mostly calm weather at the center of a tropical cyclone, and the eyewall is actually the… Continue reading In Dreams: The Eye Of The Storm
"And his tears fall and burn on the garden greenAnd so castles made of sand fall in the seaeventually" -The Jimi Hendrix Experience Out of the woodwork, they contact me, telling me they too were fooled by the devil. None of them have the years and scars that I do but I still listen. All… Continue reading Castles Made of Sand
Have I told you about the kitties in my dreams? They appear almost as much as he does. A therapist once told me these creatures represent me and that has both made sense and not over the years. In most cases I am taking care of them, stressed about them...there are almost always two, sometimes… Continue reading Here Kitty Kitty
On the Greek side Mom always told me there was nothing there at the graveyard, nothing worth finding anyway. When I found them and put the rose bush with the branches I had found, seemingly especially for them and myself - the exact number of tiny roses as her siblings, except one was bloomed and… Continue reading Let Greek Ghosts Go
I think of her so often, almost weekly I would say. We spent so much time in the present in our youth but we also escaped together into our futures. She's so much a part of my past, not really my recent past but a past version of myself. Not a part of my future… Continue reading Dirty Diana
I don't sleep in our past like I used to, and when I would see you so often your words would become echoes in my dreams, a voice seemingly designed to madden, no longer love but a broken record of torment. Playing the same questions over and over again and a song forming as I… Continue reading and the reason is…
I have always had vivid dreams. Typically the main themes are: me saving someone or something (many times it is my niece in some shape or form, or a kitty - lots of kitties and strangers) a lot of the time the house I grew up in is a theme, it may not look like… Continue reading In Dreams
This a vintage post...February 7th, 2008 Dating is hard enough without bringing the past into a new relationship. In my last serious relationship (and please keep in mind I too ask myself ‘What the hell were you thinking’ as I am sure some of you may after reading this) there were late-night visits from women,… Continue reading The Ex-Factor
This concept and or idea of there being many parts to us, that we have past versions of ourselves running around inside our hearts, mind, and souls; for me the little girls of my past, little Becky's that were not honored or seen. The idea of playing as an adult is a bit foreign to… Continue reading The Little Girls
Good Ol' Pemco Insurance! So many stories from my 20s and 30s are such a blur, because of the drinking I am sure, but also I think I wanted and still want to block things. Either way here's a story though, for better or worse: Let's set the scene - Let's assume the year was… Continue reading Unlikely Friendships
So many scribbles, notes, and pieces of me laying around waiting to be put down here. My fingers stay shriveled from all the showers - "I'm not going to tell the story the way it happened, I am going to tell it the way I remember it". Scribbles, remember those? A few minutes of focus,… Continue reading great expectations
My brother is 10 years older than me, and he's been a rock for me at times, well he's tried as I seem to believe I am my own rock but he has tried nonetheless. He's quiet, contemplative, and seemingly rather sad; he's definitely the silent type, much like my Mother - a 'silent sufferer'… Continue reading They Say Hawks Fly Alone
"I always wanted to love Eve as Denny loved her, but I never had because I was afraid. She was my rain. She was my unpredictable element. She was my fear. But a racer should not be afraid of rain; a racer should embrace the rain. I alone could manifest a change in that which… Continue reading he was my rain
Both are under scrutiny. The stench of lies and ego fog any love cloud from forming in such conditions. Starring at countless ceilings, so many blind spots both spiritually, sexually, and emotionally. There was no surrendering, not anymore. I feel crazy thinking of your words and you so freely throw punches as if you think… Continue reading The Heart Break Special
#historicalprose 5/15/2001 So love is blind and now my heart runs free. Only stopping to glance at cowboy and then running off into the sunset. Away from all that is love, I begin to heal and strive to be a part of something beautiful again someday. However, my eyes stay closed, so fearful. I'm no… Continue reading Blind Love
Away into the sunset I painted, number by number. Dreaming of a day that knocks all others off the books. Sitting in another's shoes I see my weakness more than before. Each day I sleep in the sound his embrace used to make and each day I kiss the memory goodbye but I can't seem… Continue reading Paint by Number
1/1/2016... In the light of day the room seemed completely different but the stench of that fight lingered. It's been almost six months with Kyle; So like and yet so unalike each other, by far the most transparent relationship I've ever had. Here in Panama the winds wail and I cry for the past and… Continue reading Birthday Blues
I found this journal of my mom's, she kept her own quote book of sorts, I had no idea and sadly and or ironically I have had one that I have filled since I was in my teens. Friends wrote in it, acquaintances, strangers and of course family. I use my quote book so often… Continue reading old quotes and looking beyond
I don't want to be sexist but I think this statement is true: Most women can relate and or understand the fact that our relationship with our hair dresser is a complex one. Plainly put, there are things we tell the person cutting/coloring our locks that we would not share with anyone, perhaps not always… Continue reading How To Break Up With Your Hair Dresser
When I was a youngin my mother would say this, or at least that is the way I remember it....that and the main verse playing in my head: "I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no painAnd an island never cries" - Simon & Garfunkel As an adult trying like… Continue reading I Am a Rock
During this tax season, I find myself hopeful and excited when I perhaps should not be but my naive heart just sees that I get money back each year so never mind what I have lost. On loss, this Saturday my mother would have been 75 years old, I used to be such a wreck… Continue reading Death & Taxes
As sleep, naps and rest elude me I search for ways to rest myself, ways to release the demons, memories of us, memories of her, worries, sorrows, they all create a wall of sorts for me on a daily basis, if I can get through the wall I can be at peace but they join… Continue reading rêves les plus fous
No longer running from or towards him, addressing past runs and what the consequences have been, so much more than dehydration. The dried flowers, my new running routine, and the echoes of sweet words and sweat are all that remain. "Taught her young, the only things she'd need to carry on, he taught her how… Continue reading Baby Loves to Run
May 3rd, 2001 Perhaps my hatred for her comes out of fear. Fear that she could take away my greatest asset, or maybe that fear I have never spoken of, the one where I often catch a glimpse of my own weakness in her smile. I wish right now that I could get up and… Continue reading TBT “away from love”
My sister Robin is 53 and has a genetic disorder, Prader Willi Syndrome. When I was much younger I told very few people about my sister, for no other reason than fear, people fear what they do not understand. When I was 6 years old I was essentially hanging out with another child; she was… Continue reading Mending Desertion
While no danger is in sight I had to, a new boundary. The past beckons to me and I cry and suffocate those memories, not now, I just can't. Giving the love to Jesus and letting him take the wheel is seemingly working, well sometimes. My heart longs but my soul knows the end has… Continue reading Cease and Desist
I loved you differently. Don't want you back you're just the best I ever had. My spirit is bruised but my tenacity could never be shaken by your betrayals. They say you never lose by loving, I know I've lost something but the fact that I do not know what's missing tells me I am… Continue reading Loving You Had Consequences
In one of the too many piles of scribbles, scratches, and musings, and 'don't forget how this made you feel' piles, I found this note I had written. These days compassion is not something that I hold in high regard, if I am being honest I feel taken advantage of by people who are in… Continue reading Stocking Up on Compassion
I am a prideful person, not in the traditional way and certainly not in the websters dictionary way. I am prideful in that I will do almost anything to avoid looking like a fool. This is rather is hilarious because most days I am quick to point out my ridiculous ways, somehow drawing attention to… Continue reading Step 1 – Recklessly Abandon
I have always been a vivid dreamer, so was my Mom. We would trade dreams like most trade stories about vacations. Both anxious, both sensitive to many things, both empaths. You hear a feather floating to the floor and we/I feel an anvil dropping, it is maddening at times. The most frequent dreams of mine… Continue reading Carrying Innocense Throughout The Abyss?
I’ve held something very close for as long as I can remember. Today I let it slip, a secret I did not know that I had, an omission that after I let the words slip past my lips, they seemed trapped inside my little apartment, circling me, bouncing off the walls, and forcing me to… Continue reading burn like never before…
Pisces are supposedly the combo of all the signs.. Abby seeing her father die like I saw my mother die, never before have I felt a connection from death. this simple part-time job turned into a drinking fountain of sorts, drinking from the wellness well and then this untapped resource that is Abby. Girls' night,… Continue reading The thing about fish is…
As a child, I hiked, camped, and crossed all the old rickety, wooden, and solid bridges of Washington State Parks, it terrified me to cross them, no matter the condition but I never spoke up. I'd say I am not sure why but I know why. I did not want to disappoint or affect the… Continue reading Bridging Gaps….or not..
11/27 - Circa 2005 Weathering diversity, as I always have. Breaking down...no letting go and deciding to let him be mad and just do it for her. Another holiday alone, though I will never forget last years New Years, going to bed before midnight and feeling so low suicidal thoughts creeped. When does my epic… Continue reading All the promises we made..
I got my eyes on you, you're everything that I seeI want your hot love and emotion, endlesslyI got my eyes on you, you're everything that I seeI can't get over you, you left your mark on me Cause you're good girl and you know it, good girl and you know itYou act so different… Continue reading Adaptation 🎶
I'm starting to wonder how many things I've been doing that are to purposefully set me back, all because of fear. Tonight while watching an old show, a wedding scene, a complicated relationship and seeing all the beautiful dynamics of a wedding, I sobbed like a baby! If you know me at all, ok well… Continue reading “It was all a dream” -Notorious BIG
11.28.2000 While you decide what feelings fit I am lonely. I cry out to you, truly trying to speak in tongues. But all you get is my lips. My destination has altered, I now know your not where I should be going. I keep striving for strength, trying to hold back, but with you I… Continue reading Back in Time..
When I'm drifting off to sleep something in my broken heart rewinds. -B
February 2021 Seeing his pain, watching him grow and learn and navigate through it all, the word inspiring just does not cover it. His trauma paints the walls a beautiful blue and my green eyes look on in awe. He is a true artist, I adore him but I cannot help looking back at the… Continue reading Unprocessed Emotions
July 4th 2000 My heart sings in the honda that plays all my strings. A thousand words flow from my emptiness as the tunes she plays for me, engulfs the clothes and fast food. "I miss my love, like the deserts miss the rain; and I miss you" Everything But The Girl So tired of… Continue reading you make me poetic
Always and forever: O captain my captain #RIPRobinWilliams
Despite all the remakes and don't get me wrong I respect them, Heath Ledger & Joaquin Phoenix...I am still haunted by both films, renditions of The Joker, mostly the most recent, did any of that movie even happen!? "You ain't got no future Jack" - Eckhardt. I believe he is an inspector or detective, but… Continue reading “You Ain’t Got No Future Jack”
I found this fantastic site where you can obtain free pictures for social media or even Blog posts and I have even found pictures for work proposals and or meetings. I have been working on my manuscript, I used the site to look for media. A manuscript, if you can call it that, I really… Continue reading Physical Trauma vs. Emotional Trauma
I found this piece of writing as I work through and re-write my Mothers musings. At first glance I see a list of what looks like doctors notes: Coronary heart disease, Hyperglycemia 70, Atrial Fibrillation, Heart Block AV, CHF Congestive Heart Failure, Asthma, age related nuclear lateral bilicetend, focal cloroidites (clitorides?) (left eye), hypothyroidism....I am… Continue reading Heart of Hearts – COVID Style
It’s so hard to be sweet, to be quiet, to be vulnerable and demur. So much of me wants to fight; I don’t want to stay ‘stand up’ because I am not abused, generally unheard, I really do not go without (unless you consider the days I am on my 'diet' and I do not… Continue reading M.A.D.
I have several reoccurring dreams, dream components mostly. Like the house I grew up in, that beautiful living room usually. Such care went into each book placement, she splurged on the furniture, it had to be Victorian. The stenciled trail along the ceiling molding, albeit no longer in style (was it ever?). She loved it,… Continue reading In Dreams or Nightmares
I love her at her best, natural and vulnerable and she so rarely shows that self. The same could be said of me except I show my lash free self whenever I get the chance, despite being ignored by the opposite sex or well, everybody. I guess I know what it takes to be invisible… Continue reading It’s Mint
I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz, or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: I love you as one loves certain obscure things, secretly, between the shadow and the soul.I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself, and thanks to your love the… Continue reading One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII